TL;DR version: Username changed to make more sense and I didn't care for the other one anyway. I've been too busy to work on everything besides work. I need more sleep. Thanks to everyone who has supported what I do/wish to do. Something that started out as a fun nothing turned into the most meaningful thing in my life- Dramira's real story. Sorry I don't have anything to show for it yet. I'd share some samples, even through I'm still not nearly good enough of a writer to do justice to it all, but I haven't had the time to pick stuff out. Seriously, though, thanks for the support and encouragement.
I first met the woman with no memory ten years ago, I believe. I didn't know who she was when she captured me, she did not know I was there lingering. Of all the abilities Dramira has, natural and not, I thought that one day she'd find out about me. I feared her, I knew she was from the dark aspects of human life. Yes, this is all more than similar to how Thomas Harris met Dr. Hannibal Lecter. I only realized the author felt that way about his famous murderer recently when I wen't back to read a childhood favorite. I read a lot of books and saw a lot of moives I shouldn't have when I was very young. Still a long to-do list from then, including Silence of the Lambs, which I will get reading when I have more time to truly dedicate so deeply to a novel. It was shocking and warming to connect with another author like that, to know I was not the only one with visions I could not and would not touch but I would observe, ones that were probably frightening the way a ghost is to a believer of them. I know all about Dramira by now, but one of the things I've ever failed to do correctly was recognize my own significance in manifesting her and the other figures from that realm into ours.
“You must understand that when you are writing a novel you are not making anything up. It's all there and you just have to find it.”
― Thomas Harris, Red Dragon
I kept the witch a secret for many years but she had ways of crossing the shadows between worlds when I was younger. You know, I was once sad she was not just my reflection improved but now I realize how incredible a gift it is to see things that are not simply in my own image. She used to be a name for my internet accounts because it was never taken back then. She was sometimes the character in a video games and from then on being known by that name, assuming it as my own tag but never thinking I could, or would want to be her. I should note that Dramira was not her original name and it began with a K but I'm not interested in telling you those details about her right now. The unique name came from her original, true one (I say true because the other characters who have invested feelings of her, love or hatred, still address her by it)being mispronounced as a similar one but the substitution not being at all characteristic. At least it turned out to be lovely and fitting of her and not something like the name of a Lovecraftian horror, but that wouldn't have surprised me. That's the way it is with the powerful entities humans like to dabble with-- they say it doesn't matter what you call the demon, as long as you know how to address it. I'm very fond of the name Dramira but I don't think she, or anyone really, knows about it. I'd tell a friend here and there I had a little story or some characters running around in my head from time to time, not even realizing how meaningful they all were. It was just something I witnessed, something that I could not deny. It came from how I saw our world and our lives but it's something more... I make it sound like I have hallucinations and some serious problems going on, but any author similar, again check up on Harris, will know what I mean. I saw her, and I invoked her without knowing it.
I started out all wrong when I tried to show her to the world. Remember, I applied the name to game characters that looked as much like her as I could manage just for fun and still hadn't truly recognized the value of the story yet. It was just there and I had no intention of sharing it. Maybe I just wished it were so simple, but I think it was just a journey I had to take to realize the significance of what I had, that it wasn't silly and I needed to give myself credit. I have a long history of being belittled that I thought I'd grown past when I've come to realized I still have a habit of talking myself down from time to time when I actually have done something of worth. Anyway, I started out showing her as a person on here under a different account a few years ago, not knowing what I was doing. My husband, at the time boyfriend, encouraged me to post short stories I wrote for him featuring Dramira and his original roleplaying character who I took a liking to, Lorrdyn Ty'Rual. I won't say I wish I hadn't done it, but I had marred Dramira beyond belief for those stories, including comprising her appearance to have elf ears since he suggested how she could be translated into a world like Lorrdyn's to me because I've never been into that fantasy stuff. The ears weren't really the problem, and it isn't like she knew I toyed with her but I broke the courtesy and used her in a way I shouldn't have. It only should have been the real story but I guess when we live in a world where characters and not treated respectfully as people and not intended to be people, it was difficult to want to stand out in the crowd at first. She could not be contained. I was respectful to what I believed her translation into a different world would be but I never should have done it. Maybe if I hadn't, I wouldn't be trying to write and tell her story absolutely legitimately now, though. Over time I realized how wrong it was, especially when people liked her and I was telling them of a fake, watered-down version and felt silly that I had this complex story in my head. I should have re-visited Harris sooner. I didn't want to let my head get too big because I know what I had was a masterpiece but couldn't say it. Anyway, the experimentation led me to realize the crime I was committing and I started to turn things around, go on the right path. I'll pay a life sentence of disappointment and heartbreak brought on by false impression artwork that will be left circulating about, and having given a false image of her and others from that realm to many people. I'm doing it right now, for what it's worth. Trying to do my best when I've never written, just read, and being totally inadequate as a writer to the brilliant concepts I want to present and doing the proper justice to the people who exist in another place that only I can visit. There's numerous other atrocities I've commuted and allowed to be committed but I think you get the gist. You should understand that Dramira has not matured nor changed, she has always been as profound. I wasn't so immature as I was insecure about having such complexity in my head, thinking I was too silly for it, unworthy of it. The past few years, I've only been doing it right to the best of my ability, training my abilities as a writer to be strong enough to deliver this story.
I promised I'd have things to read, more to show you all. I promised a lot that I didn't live up to, that I'm not capable yet. Or in other cases refusing to transmit material that can be used and abused online after seeing defaced versions of my commissions and dealing with communities I have no patience for. I haven't given up, it all just has to be right, or close enough to right from now on. I also need time and space I don't have. When my big ambitions started firing in my head, life got more in my way than ever. I've been busy with work, stressed out and dealing with things, and having a lot going on overall that makes it hard to write or do much of anything I enjoy. I wanted to make this longer, have you learn a little more than this about me and Dramira, and the whole thing, but I have maybe 3 hours of sleep today, maybe 2 the day before and none before that. I'm just really tired.
So, you can see I changed my username. Thanks to Miss MeX for using her points to get me the premium so I could do it. Just Dramira is unavailable and I kept trying things that I didn't like without better things in mind. Darkthorn is not Dramira's last name, it's a nickname for her. I hated the sound of DramiraDarkthorn, but it was available. I deal with anxiety a lot and most of the time I need to say "Fuck it", to go forward in any way, even if it means for revisions in the future. I think Dramira-Official makes the most sense because a lot of people on here who know Dramira through commissioned artwork and generous gifts don't know me, and a lot of people thought for some reason I was a roleplayer assuming her identity or simply reflecting myself (highly offensive, mind you. I wish I never exposed my gender or did things wrong to give these hideous impressions). There is only one true Dramira. I am her author, an observer, named Mina. I'm a bitch from New York and I'm a pretentious artist, metalhead, wannabe vampire queen (fuck's sake, Dramira is not a vampire, I know some say she looks like one and I can pretty much agree but read the information I have. I do wish she'd turn into a vampire, that'd be glorious but she's not a service provided), once again ex-caffeine addict, horror fan, fine art appreciator, long hair enthusiast (past my hips, please and thank you), and failing at life and being an author but trying to get it all right piece by piece.
"One can only see what one observes, and one observes only things which are already in the mind."
― Alphonse Bertillon
I don't visit here often because the way the website works and how the community changed from when I first joined doesn't interest me. There's some valuable people here I want to stay in contact with so I do check here and there. Given that, I disabled comments because I'd prefer a PM if anyone wants to discuss anything I've covered. If you don't agree with my choices and outlook on myself as an artist, you don't have business following me and I don't have business caring what you think of me. This should be a positive place. Oh, and like the good doctor, Dramira doesn't like rude people...
Thanks for everything. I really mean that. xo